The Desire to Feel Care-Free

I am currently traveling with my husband in Seville, Spain – a beautiful place with a very rich eating and drinking culture. Here we get to experience the famed tapas of Spain – and the practice of tapeando – going from bar to bar enjoying drinks with small plates of food for sharing. This is a main attraction in Spain – and one that I most definitely want to partake in – even though I am not drinking alcohol (and haven't for the last 2+ years).

Spain's Alcohol-Free Beer Game

Luckily Spain's alcohol-free beer game is SOLID. I have not been to a bar yet that did not serve AF beer. Often there are multiple to choose from. And most exciting – quite often the AF beer here is on TAP!!! A refreshing draft AF beer is a real treat for this American – I have yet to see or experience draft AF beer in the US – and I do hope it's coming soon.

My First Trip to Spain AF

This is my second trip to Spain since ditching alcohol – the first trip was only 100 days into my AF journey while I was in the PATH and boy was that an adventure. It took a lot of concentrated effort on that trip to not drink – to not fall for the glamorized version of drinks on every beautiful outdoor patio space. I was so grateful for AF beers on that trip. I ordered one every time we sat down to eat – I was determined to not feel like I was missing out, not feel different, apart, deprived in any way. And boy did I indulge in bread and sweets and gelato like nobody's business! I made it a point to treat myself every day with foods and sweets that I might normally restrict in my efforts to be 'healthy.' And I spent a fair amount of time on the PATH feed and listening to replays of coaching calls to stay connected to my intentions.

That trip was instrumental in my journey to alcohol freedom. I realized for the first time ever that it WAS possible to vacation in Europe – and Spain no less – without alcohol. That not only was it possible, but I was enjoying myself. I had sustained energy, I slept well, I indulged in delicious food, I drank tons of AF beer and I had absolutely ZERO regrets! The first few days took effort – but soon my brain got on board and realized that I was having a really good time without the buzz, the hangover, the restless sleep and hangxiety that were inevitably a part of any holiday for me. Instead of planning my days around when those first beers/wine/sangria would start – I was free to plan activities at any time of day. I could also rest peacefully at our Airbnb without berating myself for wasting vacation time because I was too tired/hungover to be out exploring. The holiday revolved around sightseeing, long walks, great food and plenty of rest. I returned home actually rested from a holiday instead of exhausted, drained, bloated, anxious and beating myself up for all the out-of-control drinking and eating which were normal parts of any holiday up to that point.

Two Years Later — Back in Spain

Fast forward almost exactly 2 years and here I am again in Spain for 2 weeks with my husband. This time it is effortless to order AF beer. This time I don't need endless treats to not feel deprived (although we are still enjoying lots of gelato!). This time the ritual of tapeando isn't fraught with thoughts of drinking and if I'm missing out. And yet….

I had this experience a couple days ago that I haven't been able to get out of my mind. It was one of the rare days when my husband Chris decided to have more than one beer (he is one of those unicorns that is usually very happy to have one small beer and be done – go figure…). As he drank his second and then third beer (I should note that he was choosing the small glasses of beer – not the full pints – also a unicorn in my book! So it wasn't even that much beer…) I started to notice in him what I would describe as a feeling of being more care-free. He seemed more relaxed, more light-hearted, a little more silly and playful. Not drunk, just lighter – more care-free. And I had this moment of wistfulness – like oh yeah…. This is what I was chasing all those years I was drinking. Those moments in the first few sips or maybe the first drink or two where everything felt good, smoothed over, light, fun. That is how alcohol hooks us – or how it hooked me – and kept me stuck for so very long. Because that is the feeling I clung so tightly to – the thing I didn't want to give up.

And I had this moment like, wow. Will I never have that again? Does that make me sad? How do I feel about this? And I've been percolating on it ever since….

What I Know To Be True

And these are some of the things I am thinking about…

That feeling – yes, I remember it fondly. Yes, that was what I was chasing – almost every time I drank. And maybe, just maybe – if I could have that feeling – just that sweet spot of feeling temporarily care-free – I might choose to drink again. But here's the thing I know to be true about myself (from LOTS of experimentation by the way). That sweet spot lasts about 20-30 minutes. And then it is gone… and then I can either feel grumpy and tired and anxious for a few hours while it wears off – OR I can keep drinking to chase that feeling – to EXTEND it for as long as I can. And each drink I would take to extend it would do more damage to my body that I would then need to recover from in the form of disrupted sleep, hangover, hangxiety. Every additional drink adding additional consequences. And the ability to extend that feeling is so very tenuous – too much and it's gone. Too little and it's gone. And all the while the consequences are adding up. More toxins in my body, less control, further away from homeostasis, more adrenalin and cortisol and dynorphin preparing to be released in my body. And the inevitable cravings that come when my body starts to feel the withdrawal from alcohol the next day. The busy mind, the racing thoughts, the self-doubt, the regret, the temptation to say F@$% it – let's do it again…..

These are things I know to be true because I have learned the science, yes, but even more importantly because I have done the experiments on myself. I have paid attention, mindfully drank, noticed how long that care-free feeling lasts, paid attention to what my mind starts telling me do after the first drink. And – really importantly - I have been able to compare what it feels like to not experience those care-free moments but still enjoy a good meal, nice conversation, peace, calm in my heart and in my mind. And a good sleep and a good next morning, next day. That took going 100 days AF, having an AF holiday, providing my brain and my heart evidence that this alternative – an AF lifestyle alternative – is good, is desirable, makes my heart and soul happy & grateful, and is worth more than 20 – 30 minutes of fleeting, precarious, alcohol-induced feelings of being care-free.

What I'm Excited About Next

So, this is what I've been thinking about these days. Feeling so very grateful for all the experiences I have accumulated – both drinking and not drinking. I can honestly, truly make an informed choice about how I want to spend my time, my energy, my focus. And it is decidedly NOT stuck in the never-ending cycle of chasing those fleeting moments of alcohol-induced care-free feelings. In fact, what it is alerting me to is the fact that I want to discover and nurture more moments in my life where I can naturally experience that sensation of feeling care-free. Because there is nothing wrong with wanting to feel light and happy and at peace. My attraction to the feeling is not wrong – we are biologically designed after all to seek pleasure and avoid pain. I, like many who start drinking in their teens, have an underdeveloped skill set when it comes to knowing and understanding and nurturing the things in life that make me feel happy and care-free. Alcohol was my go-to. I didn't search out other things – I didn't know I needed anything else. And this is what I'm excited to focus on in this year 3 of being alcohol free. How can I discover, nurture, grow the things that naturally bring me pleasure without negative consequences? What is untapped within me that I can learn about myself? What will light me up? Music, painting, poetry, something creative? Learning something new? Adventure, cooking, cold plunges?

And at the same time, I am interested in nurturing my ability to be OK in discomfort. To NOT single-mindedly chase feelings of joy, happiness, of being care-free. Because that too is a trap. Yes, I want to sometimes feel care-free. And even more than that – I want to be OK when I do not feel care-free. Both can be true. And both require my attention. Oh and yeah – I'm still actively working on building that life I don't feel like I need or want to escape from…. That has been my work of the past 2 years and it continues – I imagine that is my life's work. These new pieces fold right into that overarching theme. One thing this AF life definitely is NOT is boring – I get to make it exactly what I want it to be. So, I guess that means if it IS boring, that's on me.