FFTs (Freaking First Times)

Been thinking about FFTs (freaking first times) in my journey to alcohol freedom. These were some big moments for me. If we're using the metaphor of a path leading to freedom, a path we all have to forge and lay down stones to create for ourselves – these have been some of my big stones. Because the first time you do something you never imagined being able to do – well, it hits. It shifts our perceptions of ourselves and what's possible. It makes us question our beliefs about ourselves – at least that's been the case for me.

My First Big FFT: Thanksgiving 2022

The first really big meaningful FFT I remember was Thanksgiving 2022. It was my first big holiday. And I was not even sure I wanted to be alcohol free for it. This was early days for me, before I believed life could be better AF. I had my first ever 21-day stint AF in October of that year– and I felt so good for the first time in forever – that was the first time I got a taste for what it would be feel like to not be drinking every day. And I liked it. A lot. But I hadn't even begun to work on my beliefs about myself and to figure out what I wanted my relationship with alcohol to be. I just knew it felt good to not drink. And then after those 21 days I drank again – I'd never intended to stop drinking – just cut back, to take a break. But as soon as I drank for a few days, I was already missing that feeling of waking up clear headed and proud of myself. So I joined another online program – this one for a whole YEAR – thinking now was as good a time as any to figure out what I wanted. And in that first month of November we were in 'the Pause' where we weren't NOT drinking – we were just getting really curious about our drinking and our patterns and starting to question our beliefs we had around alcohol. So I was drinking some days, not drinking some days, learning, growing, figuring things out. And Thanksgiving was looming on the horizon. What was I going to do for Thanksgiving? Because a big part of this program (The PATH, This Naked Mind) was experimentation. Try things out and see. And I realized I had a deeply held belief that alcohol was REQUIRED at Thanksgiving.

What I Believed About Thanksgiving

I can remember getting coaching around this a couple times. I started out defiant – how COULD Thanksgiving be any fun without booze? My favorite thing about Thanksgiving was the permission I gave myself to start drinking early in the day – when the cooking started the bubbly came out. This was what was fun about Thanksgiving to me. A socially acceptable excuse to day drink! Our Thanksgivings were almost always just our family of 4 – we lived overseas much of our married life and we created family rituals of finding all the fixings for Thanksgiving wherever we lived and making the whole meal – always the same. As our girls got older, they got more involved in the cooking and much of the day was spent in the kitchen with them– cooking, talking, laughing, singing and dancing to whatever music the girls were into at the time. And me with my bubbly or my wine, making me loose, light, happy (or so I believed). And this Thanksgiving my girls were 17 & 19 – my oldest home from college. I was even imagining offering her bubbly for the first time – to have her join in on "my fun." Thinking how special that would be….

And my coach challenged me – he asked me this. Is it possible that the things I love about Thanksgiving are inherently fun? The cooking, laughing, singing and dancing with my girls is actually what I enjoy about Thanksgiving – not the wine? The wine was getting all the credit for the fun because I believed it was what made the day special. This may sound obvious to you all, but I was stumped. I thought it was the wine. I really did. And then I started to wonder – wow, that's kinda sad right? That I think it's the wine and not my time with my girls. Because I believed it like I believe the sky is blue – Thanksgiving = wine all day= fun = celebration = happy. Was it possible to remove the wine and still have fun? Again, stumped. Because I realized I hadn't had a Thanksgiving without wine since being pregnant 17 years ago….

How I Got Through It

So after a week of going back and forth I FINALLY decided I wanted to find out. I wanted to give it a try and see what it would be like without the wine. But I wasn't sure I could do it. So another tip from a coach – why don't I just DELAY…. If I normally start drinking in the morning, give it a couple hours. See how it goes. I could always drink later, but just try it. Try it and see. Easier said than done, but I thought I'd give it a go. So my brain wouldn't completely freak out on me – I went ahead and bought it all – I bought prosecco, white wine and red wine (what I'd normally do on Thanksgiving). And I bought all that same stuff but the Non-Alcoholic versions- plus some fun mocktail ingredients to make with the girls. My plan was to start with the NA stuff and play it by ear. Re-evaluate every hour or so and make a choice if I wanted/needed it. But I knew I needed to put some friction between me and the alcohol so I put the alcoholic versions in a box in the basement under a couple of other boxes. I wanted to make sure I didn't just have an F* it moment and pour a glass without really thinking it through. I didn't have anything chilled, and I would have to take the time to go get the wine in the basement before I could mindlessly pour it. That little bit of friction saved me a couple times that day. Can't recommend that tool enough.

What Actually Happened

So long story just a little bit shorter – I just kept going. All day I kept checking in with myself. Am I having fun? Yes. Am I enjoying cooking with my girls? Yes. Am I missing my wine? Not really. So the afternoon progressed and I still hadn't headed to the basement. And then a final call- I had told myself if I made it through the whole day then for sure I could have some wine with dinner. When it came time to sit down for the meal, I decided to start with the NA red wine instead. Just to see. And it didn't taste great, not like a real red – but it wasn't terrible either and I decided to focus on the food instead. And I realized that by the time I sat down to eat in prior years – I never really even TASTED the food I'd spent all day preparing. It would have ceased to be about the food and all my focus would have been on the wine and at that point trying not to act too obviously drunk (which I undoubtedly was). It felt like a different focus. Focusing on the food. Focusing on the conversation. Focusing on the connection. I had always thought I did that in years past – and in many ways I did – but it was through a haze of wine and distracted thoughts – not clear and present – not like this different way I was experiencing now.

It was eye opening. And when dinner was done – I was not just wanting to completely check out and clean up in the kitchen by myself with my wine. I was wanting to continue to hang out. To watch some TV with the girls, plan for the next day. Go for a walk even to get some alone time. Present, clear, still THERE – even after dinner. That was unfamiliar and really pleasant. And then to go to bed and actually sleep. Not toss and turn all night. And wake up NOT hungover. The day after Thanksgiving NOT hungover – when had that last happened? All these little things were adding up. I was gaining awareness about a different, unfamiliar way of doing things. Was it my best, favorite Thanksgiving ever? I don't know – but I do know it was good, great even. And alcohol got NONE of the credit – because she wasn't invited. She didn't participate. This experience began to show me that I was telling myself a story about how important alcohol is to all the big events in life, the big celebrations. It was the first crack in those deeply held beliefs that started to generate more questions, more curiosity. Could this be true at Christmas too? At birthdays? At any celebration? I was far from convinced and it took a lot more experimenting. And it was not the last time I drank – not by a long shot. I was still experimenting and figuring things out for another 10 months or so – but it was a big AHA for me. A big eye opener. What I believed in SO strongly might not be true. And this started the questions around – what else have I been wrong about??

The Power of FFTs

That is the power of FFTs I think. Putting chinks in the armor of our beliefs. Generating more questions, more curiosity. Giving ourselves new information – challenging our old way of thinking. And the only way to benefit from these is to NOT drink at those time you MOST think you like to drink. When you think you NEED it, WANT it, DESERVE it – whatever your belief is. We gotta challenge those beliefs. Is it really true that Thanksgiving is better with booze? – for me it turned out to not be true. But I wouldn't have believed it till I experienced it for myself. And I needed to do it with an open mind, real true curiosity – not already believing I knew the answer. Truly wanting to find out. What's one of your deeply held beliefs that you might want to challenge? What FFT can you create for yourself to give yourself some new comparison data? This is how we do the work of breaking free from the grip of alcohol – one FFT at a time.